i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
