I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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