got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We talked him into tasing himself.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
