The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
