i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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