if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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