what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
