I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
