You smell like a Billy Joel song
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
