Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
