I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
