from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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