Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
