She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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