I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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