i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
