I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize