he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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