He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
