His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
