you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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