Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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