no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
