Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
