I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
