i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
