Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
