Swine flu. Run for my life!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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