Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
