I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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