I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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