I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
