lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
