you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
