i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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