i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
