Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
