So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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