omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't think brook has ever known best
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
