Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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