I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she smelled like a LAN party
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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