Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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