I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
