Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
