i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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