i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
