I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
