All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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