The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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