Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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