I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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