I think I won the penis lottery.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
