All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
