i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
