is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
