i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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