Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
