I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
