Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
