Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
