Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i now understand why vodka
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
