I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
