She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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