I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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