her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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